journal entry 002: internalized ableism and sensory dread.
My not so bad day.
This week I’ve been in a funk. I’m nowhere near my menstrual cycle. It must be my autism. Lately, I haven’t been motivated to look presentable and I’m burnt out. My Garmin watch keeps warning me about stress.
Honestly, my internalized ableism has kicked up since RFK JR made his ridiculous comments about how autistic people will never achieve anything. Is this what the majority of Americans think?! I know this thought is bullshit, but this thinking is one of my triggers.
My stress journaling has also been on overload. I’ve filled so many pages this week. I’ve written manifestations, food reviews, and brain dumps.
I went to a vintage flea market today and I looked like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. The few trinkets I got were cute at least. I got a vintage monchhichi. My only redeeming quality was my thrifted Morrissey shirt I wore.
I’m so tired of people flexing in public spaces. This is petty, but your pastel Trader Joe’s mini tote bag is making me feel even more shitty. I don’t even want the bag. I just want to mindlessly consume and not feel guilty.
My mother is my saving grace. She knew I was in a horrible mood and bought me new Dr Martens sandals. I’ve been wearing my Gothic Americana Jorge II’s almost everyday for a year. Dr Martens are my comfort “autistic shoes”. I love the sturdiness.
Today, capitalism (unfortunately? Idk lol) was my savior. I had a La La Latte from La La Land in the morning and for dinner I had Chinese Chicken Salad from Calif Chicken Cafe. My sensory overload was saved by my comfort foods. I’m grateful my sadgirl attitude didn’t ruin my day.
I’ll try to be better at my self care and not letting my negative thoughts put a rain on my parade.
